The Society for Unraveling the Eyeless Blonde Conspiracy
It is a well-known fact* that suspicious characters
with opaque glasses always have blonde hair. What is it about these mystery
men (and they are almost always men) that they should wear these other-worldly
spectacles which not only hide their eyes completely, but seem to wrap around
their heads as you walk around them? What kind of evil alien technology is
at work here? And why are they all blonde? The Society for Unraveling
the Eyeless Blonde Conspirarcy (SUSBEC)
vows to unravel this mystery! But we need your help! Just by
visiting this webpage, you are considered a Society for Unraveling the
Eyeless Blonde Conspiracy Trainee. Our motto is "Everyone is a SUSBECT!"
*By "well-known," we refer the reader
to reference himself or herself, who knows of this fact and therefore 100%
of the reader's sampled population is aware of this fact. By "fact," we
mean "opinion."
THEORIES
We are still attempting to determine the cause behind this odd corrolation
of blondes and opaque glasses. If you think you have a better explanation,
please let us know. We hope to come up with
new theories and eliminate old ones as more facts become available. Until
then, we have questions and theories, which we have listed
below:
Questions
- Besides the opaque glasses and blonde hair, what do all these entities
have in common?
- Do these characters have eyes at all?
- Why doesn't "Society for Unravelling the Eyeless Blonde Conspiracy" spell "SUSBEC?"
Theories
- They are cyborgs who have come to enslave our planet by flashing subliminal
messages of their webpages which tell us to mix our colors, whites, and
delicates.
- They are cyborgs who are kind and gentle and wish only to be left to a
quiet life of introspection and meticulous hair care.
(Note: after much research, it was
determined that this theory was put forth by Forsythe Wigglesworth in
human resources, after painting his garage with inadequate ventilation and
with spray cheese instead of house paint.
Unfortunately, our policy is to believe in all possible theories until they
can be specifically discounted, so we're forced to keep it on this list).
- Each eyeless blonde is, in fact, an immortal who must one day kill each
other by chopping off each other's heads with 400-year-old weapons
until only one eyeless blonde remains.
(Note: we're pretty sure Mr. Wigglesworth
came up with this doozy, too).
- They are slave beings from another dimension who harvest human eyeballs to
take back to their evil alien overlords who enjoy human eyes as a delicacy.
- They are evil clowns with flesh-colored face paint to hide their distorted,
white faces.
(Note: most of these subjects are exceedingly
pale, lending creedence to this theory).
